More reality in Kolkata

It's been a rough past couple of days. And I'm not sure I can even explain why... but I guess I can try. It's kind of weird... most of the time I absolutely love living in India. I love the people, I love the culture, I love the work we do. I love pretty much everything about it. But the past couple of days I've just been so frustrated for some reason. I had a really long talk yesterday with my friend Mickey who's from Ireland, but he's been living in Kolkata for pretty much the past ten or so years. He was telling me a lot about just different stuff taht goes on here and the way that the people who live here can be so deceiving. He said that Sealdah, where I go pretty much everyday, is probably the biggest center for child trafficking in the world. And he told me that all of the women are pretty much raped daily by men from both the lower and upper castes. We talked about the women that walk around Sudder St... women I've gotten to know really well and really, really like. He said they're some of the most deceiving people you'll meet here. They live in villages and pay for babies to bring into the city for the day and just beg. This was right after I bought my friend Corina, a 14 year old girl who's always on Sudder St., rice and dol and oil for "her mom to cook with". I just left feeling so fooled and pretty upset. And then we talked about Indian men... pretty much most of the ones who hang around where we live are pimps and I found out some interesting things about some guys that we thought were our friends. It was just a frustrating conversation that left me feeling used and angry and like I've been lied to over and over again these past few weeks. And what I hate the most is that it's left me feeling so skeptical of everyone I meet. I feel like I can't trust anyone here and I absolutely hate it. At home I get made fun of by a lot of my friends because they say I'm so naive and I will trust anyone... and that's probably true but something that I've never wanted to change about myself. I'm so scared of coming home from India as a cynical person and one who doesn't trust people. That's not me at all and that's certainly not why I came to India. I came to learn about compassion and servanthood. I came to love the people that God places in my life and to learn about the reality of poverty in our world today. I guess I say most of this just to ask you to pray for us. It seems to be getting harder by the day... please don't think when I say that I mean it's getting worse because it's not. I love India more everyday that I'm here.. it's just getting a little bit tougher. But I guess when things get tough you start to grow a little bit more. At least that's what I'm hoping.

There's a song by Nichole Nordeman that I absolutely love and it seems like I've been listening to it pretty much every night these past few days. It's pretty much exactly how I feel right about now. It says....

"All praise and all the honor be,
to the God of ancient mystery,
Who's every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history,
But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot help but whisper this prayer...
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing on the wall that's just for me,
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping like in Solomon's great dreams,
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end
Just want to know you still know how many hairs are on my head..
Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now. ."

Thanks for reading this blog and thanks for your prayers. I know I say it all the time... but they are so appreciated and so needed.